Bargins, answer to the name of Chris

One of our readers was posted us with the following items to sell, he's moving to Hollywood

1. A black leather jacket, used it for 8 months for work, having picked it up at Oxfam in Central Cardiff. Well worn.

2. The secret of girls by Peggy Lawnmover, I picked this one up at Oxfam too and tried to use it on one of collegues who recent split up with her husband but it never really worked. Maybe the age diffrence was too big.

3. A fantastic 4 bedroom flat pad in a leafy suburb in Cardiff, was expecting to use it for 3 years, but I decided to move jobs so no longer need it.

Please Call 07941 293673 if you're interested.

The Doctor Who Fans Guide to the Election

This recent debate took place on BBC Radio St Ives, in which leaders of the top parties debated why they best represented the Doctor Who vote. This transcript represents the highlights:

Presenter (Stu Lizard): So lets first go to Charles Kennedy, the leader of the Lib Dems, what are you going to do for Doctor Who fans if you win the election.

Charles Kennedy: Well Tony Blair took us to war, a bloody war that cost us 4 billion pounds. Now that amount of money would have been enough to produce 5000 episodes of Doctor Who, thats 1 episode for every week for the next century or 1 per day for the next ten years. We would have spent the wasted war money on that.

Presenter: So Tony Blair what have do you to say to that.

Tony Blair: Well thats absolutely rubbish really. If we hadn't got to war with Saddam he could have taken over the country with his weapons of mass destruction. Then he would have censored the new Doctor Who so that the Doctor would have had to say at least twice an episode "praise be Saddam Hussein, the inventor of this TARDIS."

Presenter: Michael Howard make your case.

Michael Howard: Well I want to be a vampire in Doctor Who, in fact I'm writing an episode now.

Presenter: How about nationalist parties, what do they think. Plaid Cymru, what would you do for Doctor Who fans.

Dafydd Iwan: Well Doctor Who is such a good programme, it should be made in Wales surely, no.

Presenter: How about the SNP.

Alex Sammond: Well I quit as leader of the this party and came back 2 year later so there's hope for Christopher Eccelston yet.

Presenter: Oh, can we welcome Caroline Lucas from the Green party to the room, she's late because the high speed rail link from Southend to St Ives hasn't been built yet.

Caroline Lucas: Hi, can anyone hear me, I think the recyled batteries have run out in my microphone.

Presenter: We can hear you, Carres.

Caroline Lucas: Yes, all the other parties are cynical popularists with this Doctor Who thing. Here you are pledging millions of pounds on Doctor Who and other hugely enjoyable polluting things, meanwhile some tapoles have just died in a pond in Sheffield cos the local drunk boozed up on cheap strongbow has just pissed in the pond.

Presenter: Ok that enough of that debate, we have reports that a tractor has broken down on the C132, so Kevin bring us the travel news for St Ives.

On Honeymoon to Mummy's house (she's out for the week)

This is mainly a Doctor Who website but no one can help noticing the other highlight of the week (after The Grand National and doing your front garden), the Royal Wedding. Funnily enough a royal wedding might of deserved a royal honeymoon but not in the Royal Family. Charles has taken Camilla to Balmoral, that his mum's holiday home. With even the poorest honeymooner making it to Thailand, the likes Prince Charles should have taken her to the moon, not his Mum's house four hours up the M1. When I get married to Billie Piper I'm not going to take her to my mother's house (extreme fan alert - well she did marry Chris Evans - I have nice smile and arse anyway).

Doctor Who Beats Ant n Dec

It has been confirmed that Doctor Who has beaten Ant n Dec again. ADESF ratings can confirm the following results:

Number Kids wetting their beds after watching:

Ant n Dec: 1.3 million
Doctor Who: 4.2 million

Number kids scared of going into shops for fear of being killed by shop mannequins after watching:

Ant n Dec: 12
Doctor Who: 5.8 million

The BBC has respond in delight at the fact that Doctor Who was back and giving kids wet dreams.

Billie and X shaken as Eccs quits

Christopher Eccelston, the current Doctor Who and previous star in 28 Days Later and Gone in Sixty Seconds has erm quit about 4 days later and about 360000 seconds after the much obsessed about show debutted on BBC1 (is this funny by the way?) Meanwhile a secret BBC insider (Jonathon Ross) has confirmed that Bob Marley, Nelson Mandela and the Dalai Lamai were never contacted about playing the new Doctor, Bob Marley being ruled on grounds of being dead. Since then it has been revealed that Michael Grade is to be the new Doctor Who.. yeah .. ha ha.

Doctor Who scared of getting typecast

In the latest saga surrounding Doctor Who, Doctor Who himself has spoken. The Doctor complained that he is scared of getting typecast as a leather jacket wearing northerner who has nothing better to do with his time than to pick up young, beautiful women and go on adventure round the universe with them. "I do other things other than saving the world," he said "I've got a cabbage patch on Skaro that I look after, not to forget my origami hobby."

On other pages

p. 3-33: pictures of Billie Piper
P. 33-55 more Doctor Who coverage
p. 56: New series of Doctor Who for 2006
P. 57: World will end by end of 2005 if global warming carries on this way PLUS cure for Aids found and Middle East Deal signed.