Warning new DR WHO could effect your health

It has been discovered a new series of Doctor Who was aired on BBC 1 last Saturday. Alan Sugar, the 24 looking year old businessman from "norf" east London who made the discovery was quoted as saying "I wish they could have given us some warning or something."

News of the new Doctor Who spread through word of mouth and within minutes 10 million people had switched over from ITV74, cancelled honeymoons or rushed home from walking their pet tortoise.

However, half way through the episode a number of people were reporting health problems as a result. Some had hallucinations of Graham Norton talking over the show. In other places Matthew Freedman, 23 year old, laughed so much that his glandular fever came back and he had to go to bed for another year. Sophie Tong, forth cousin of Pete Tong, the worse DJ in the world, was bitten by her dog she forgot to feed, later dying of shock. Alf Alfred also forgot to let his 3 legged cat out for walk and as a result jumped out of the window when it threaten to eat his photo album of him and his secret straight lover.

A Doctor commented "it adviced to watch this programme behind the Ikea Lack sofa."

Daleks for Religion

With the new Doctor Who apparently reported to have more realistic emotions in it, we ask the obvious question "WILL THE DALEKS GO ON A QUEST FOR SPIRITUALITY". We look at what the disadvantages and advantages of each of the Worlds great and Wacky religions.

SIKHISM

Ads - Apparently there's no steps up to the golden temple in India.
Dis - Turben could block eyepiece or fall off.

CHRISTIANITY

Ads - Daleks can buy each other new laser guns at Christmas.
Dis - Difficult to sing in tune to those hymn with an eletric, grating voice, and other people in the church start looking around.

HINDUISM

Ads - Colourful India dresses match perfectly the red Daleks with gold spots.
Dis - Its difficult to cremate Daleks and they float in the river Ganges rather than sinking.

JUDAISM

Ads - Easy to keep kosher, Daleks do not eat anything anyway.
Dis - Nothing to circumsize.

ISLAM

Ads - Easy to fast on fast days, Dalek don't eat.
Dis - Difficult to get on your knees and bow when your a Dalek.

How much of a Doctor Who fan are you??

The next 7 questions are aimed at establishing how much of a Doctor Who fan you are.

1. You've got a friend visiting from Bolivia, who you are showing round London. The time is approaching 6:30 and you realize that its time to go home to watch Doctor Who at 7:00. What do you do?

a) Carry on showing him round London, and phone 5 people to get them to record it for you.
b) Sudddenly leave him, in the middle London citing that your goldfish is ill.
c) Convince him that he should miss his flight back to Bolivia so that he can come back to your house to watch Doctor Who.

2. You like Little Britain but WHY.

a) It's fun and witty
b) It has Tom Baker as the narrator
c) It has Tom Baker as the narrator and you fancy Matt Lucas to be next Doctor Who

3. You're getting married (even Doctor Who fans get married you know), but you've asked your partner to make sure the wedding all over by 6:00 PM because:

a) You're going on honeymoon to Australia and you couldn't get later flights.
b) It's the first episode of the new Doctor Who series at 7 PM
c) It's the repeat of the classic series story "Timelash" on UK Gold at 7 pm starring Colin Baker
d) You're going on honeymoon to a Doctor Who convention in Mexico and it starts the next day - you don't want to be late

4. For the new Doctor Who series you have bought

a) A new TV
b) A new Sofa
c) You have bought Russell T Davis (the Doctor Who big cheese) a new sofa and TV.

Please note in this question, if you fancy men (gay or woman), replace Billie with Crissy Eccleston

5. You had a very strange dream last night. What was it about:

a) You were having coffee in Starbucks with Billie Pipper.
b) You were having Sex with Billie Pipper.
c) You were having Sex with Billie Pipper, with 3 Daleks watching.

6. What do the words RTD, CE, BP and CE mean?

a) They are types of Austrian Cheeses
b) They are anacronisms for different things e.g. BP = Billie Piper, CE = Christopher Eccleston
c) RTD IB T JNT, L CE W DR IN JNT T OR BP

7. How time do you watch the average Doctor Who story after Saturday night.

a) 1-3 times
b) 3-10 times
c) 10-100 times
d) If more times, report immediate to the local asylum


Now for the score. For:

(a) answers give yourself 5 points
(b) 10 points
(c) 20 points
(d) 30 pints, yes pints because if you're going on Honeymoon to a Doctor Who convention in Mexico, then you deserve to get little bit intoxicated.

Having added up the your sccore see which category of Doctor Who fan you full into:

If you got 35-40 points, call yourself a Doctor Who fan, eh?
If you got 45-65 points, you are definately a GOLD grade DOCTOR FAN.
If you got 70-95 you are a DOCTOR WHO OBSESSIVE
If you got 100-140 point you are DOCTOR WHO MAD you should see a Doctor as soon as possible, yes a Dr not Dr Who.
If you got 140-1000 points you can't count.

The draft version of the Long Game REVEALED